Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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