You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
