New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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