dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
