I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
