So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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