Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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