omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
