U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
