I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
