I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Go christen that room with your naked body.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
