I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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