I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
