Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You're a waste of cheezeits
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
