I'm pants shitting drunk right now
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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