I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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