Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
