Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
