i just wanna soil my oats bro
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
