The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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