before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Randomize
