During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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