my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
