This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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