Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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