I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
