I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
