I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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