sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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