i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
