This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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