I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
