I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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