i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
