My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
