i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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