You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
