Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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