I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
