so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
