fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
