forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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