Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
