My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
