I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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