I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
