What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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