No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Randomize
