Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
