just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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