I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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