sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
