I think my fart just growled at me.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
