Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
