And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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