I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
