I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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